The Brain Dead Oven: BDR SlowCooker Chili


It’s getting to be that time here in Minnesota where all you want to do is drink, eat, and hibernate.  There are few things better than a nice slow cooked meal cooking all day, drinking beer number 6, and watching the original Dawn of the Dead.   One of our favorite meals made in a slow cooker is none other than a spicy chili with beans.  Yes, I said beans.  Settle down.  I know some of you will thumb your noses at our recipe because of some weird aversion to beans in a chili (THE POWER OF THE BEANS COMPELS YOU) but then again YOU ARE NOT MY TARGET AUDIENCE.This meal cannot be any simpler and it only takes a few ingredients.  Let’s take a look shall we?


Prep time: 20 mins
Cook time: 8 hours


  • 1 lb of ground beef
  • 2 16 oz. cans Red Kidney Beans
  • 1 16oz. can Black Beans
  • 1 16.oz can of Pinto Beans
  • 2 14.5 oz cans diced tomatoes
  • 1 8oz can tomato paste
  • 1 medium onion
  • 1 green bell pepper
  • 3 celery stalks
  • 2 habanero peppers
  • 1 jalapeno
  • 2 garlic cloves
  • 1 bottle of your favorite/cheapest beer
  • salt, pepper, cumin, chili pepper


  1.  Cook ground beef in a skillet.  Transfer beef into the bottom of the slow cooker with a slotted spoon.
  2. Dice onions, celery, green pepper, jalapeno, and (use gloves) habaneros.  Add to the slow cooker.
  3. Mince the garlic cloves and add to the slow cooker.
  4. Open, drain, and rinse the beans under cold water.  Add to the slow cooker.
  5. Open the cans of tomatoes and add them to the slow cooker.
  6. Add the tomato paste to the slow cooker.
    Use caution when dicing the habaneros.   I’d recommend using gloves and not touching your genitals if you decide not to use gloves.  Trust me.
  7. Pour bottle of beer into the slow cooker.
  8. Add salt, pepper, cumin and chili powder to taste.
  9. Cover and turn slow cooker on low for 8 hours.
  10. PROFIT.

There you go.  A nice and simple chili recipe that will help keep you warm on those cold winter nights.  But seriously, don’t touch your penis if you touch the habanero peppers without gloves.